Being a villain is hard work. There’s always some hero out there trying to thwart your evil plans, especially in fairy tales. Bad things are always happening to the antagonists.
That made me think that there’s probably a career to be made in consulting the bad guys. You know, taking a look at where they went wrong, and advising them on their plans for the future. After all, if we aren’t learning from our mistakes, we’re bound to repeat them.
So I set up a consulting firm, and I put up a few flyers in some notoriously nefarious areas. (I mainly nailed them to tree trunks in dark forests in Germany and Russia) It wasn’t long before my phone was ringing and I got my first client.
The Wolf (From Red Riding Hood. Not to be confused with the Big Bad Wolf)
I took a quick look at his story, and I immediately saw that his mistakes were many (and alarming!) Here’s the preliminary report I typed up for him.
Mistake #1: Passing up the initial opportunity Mr. Wolf happened upon a little, defenseless girl (who was not in the least bit afraid of him) in the forrest carrying a basket with cake and wine in it. If he had simply followed his basic instincts, he could have immediately had a meal of girl, cake and wine. If that wasn’t enough, (wolves will be wolves, sadly) what was to stop him from then going over to grandmas and gobbling her up too?
Mistake #2: Overthinking things-Mr. Wolf’s plan to dress up like grandma to lure Red into a false since of security (something he didn’t need to do. She was already walking with him and chatting freely) is nothing short of laughable. It was pure chance that he met a girl dumb enough to fall for it and that it actually worked. It took much too long, though, and allowed the woodsman time to survey the situation, and act.
My Recommendation for the future: Mr. Wolf would be better off, leaving the cleverness for the foxes. He is a wolf. A powerful, well-designed killing machine. He needs to just follow his instincts. Deep down, he is not really all that evil, he’s just hungry. He should take advantage of a meal when it’s there. Also, he might want to look into forming a pack with other wolves. Wolves are notorious for being much stronger in large numbers.
If there are any fairy tale villains out there looking for consultation, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I look forward to hearing from you.